How grown-up are you?

Rule: First when your parents die do you truly become a grown-up
Exception: When your parents never did grew up themselves

I was blessed with long-living grannies. My paternal grandfather died before I was born and my maternal grandfather died after a long illness in his 70-ies. But my grannies just kept on living. My paternal grandmother hade her birthdate in the 19th century! When she died at the age of 91 and I went to the funeral it was the first time I met most of my father's relatives. I had met some before, like my aunts and some cousins, but the rest were new to me.

This was so new and overwhelming for me - here was this really large family and half of them loooked so familiar. The same nose especially! But also the same colours. It was incredible, like being adopted and coming to meet your birth-family.

I never stopped to ask myself - why do I not know my father's family?

The asnwer is now obvious, because my father chose not to let me get to know them, and neither did my mother.

And recently my maternal granny died. She had been doing great for so many years but the last two, after an emergency operation, had been hell for her. She was now 93 and starving to death, wanting to die but her heart kept on beating. She had been taking care of my mother until she herself became ill. And now, she who had cared for everyone, stayed at a nursing home for senile people. One old witch there made her life hell by beating her when noone was looking, sneaking into her room as well. My uncles tried to stop this and some people had to leave but my aunt and my mum didn't see clearly and where annoyed at their brothers for interfering.

These hours spent at her deathbed were so precious too me. I sat there and held her hand and when anxiety had her in its grip, I could calm her down and say that she was not alone.

When she died my mother became a child bereaved.
When my paternal grandmother died - my father also became a child bereaved.

They never grew up. So, I had to.

Sometimes I meet people with really caring parents. But more often I meet people in similar circumstances. My challenge is to bea real parent to my children, to allow them to grow up and take on responsibility - to step back when necessary but also to be there when necessary.

Keeping close!